I WAS JUST TALKING TO DAJIE OVER MSN AND WE WERE TALKING ABOUT MOMENTS OF GRACE, AND CONVERSATIONS WITH GOD, AND ALL THOSE OTHER MOTIVATIONAL SELF-HELP BOOKS THAT WE'VE ALL BEEN EXPOSED TO BY NONE OTHER THAN THE NOTORIOUS CRAP GUY! *WHOO HOO!*
SO I'VE BEEN THINKING, AND TRYING TO RECALL ALL THOSE LITTLE MOMENTS OF GRACE THAT I HAVE ENCOUNTERED....
EVER SINCE I CAME BACK FROM BEIJING AND READING THE MOG I'VE BECOME SLIGHTLY MORE AWARE OF ALL THE LITTLE MIRACLES AND LITTLE THINGS THAT I'VE BEEN EXPERIENCING.
NOW, I KNOW THAT SOME OF YOU MAY FIND THIS HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT I DO BELIEVE THAT WE ALL HAVE EXPERIENCED MIRACLES, BECAUSE NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OCCURS BY COINCIDENCE.
TAKE THIS EXAMPLE, I HAD JUST FINISHED MY MATHEMATICS EOY, AND I WAS ABOUT TO GO HOME, AND THE 105 BUS CAME ALONG RIGHT, BUT SUDDENLY I FELT VERY HUNGRY AND I HAD THIS URGE TO EAT SOMETHING, LIKE STRAIGHTAWAY!
SO I GOT OFF AT THE NEXT STOP AND ATE LIKE, A DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER FROM MCDONALDS. I WAS REALLY FULL, AND THEN I HAPPILY WENT HOME.
WHEN I FINALLY GOT HOME, GUESS WHAT? MY MOM AND MY BROTHER WERE BOTH OUT! AND WHEN I CALLED THEM, I FOUND OUT THAT THEY WOULD BE OUT PAST LUNCHTIME AND WON'T BE BACK UNTIL IN THE LATE AFTERNOON! AND SO THAT MEANS THERE WILL BE NO LUNCH PREPARED AT HOME THAT DAY!
WHEN I FOUND OUT I WAS LIKE... OH MY GOODNESS, LUCKY I ATE THAT BURGER OR I WOULD HAVE TO COOK MYSELF, WHICH WOULD ACTUALLY BE RATHER DISASTROUS.
BUT WHEN I THOUGHT ABOUT IT AGAIN, I WAS LIKE... "HEY, ACTUALLY, I WOULD HAVE HAD TO COOK MYSELF (YIKES) IF I DIDN'T HAVE THIS SUDDEN IMPULSE TO HOP OFF THE BUS AND GRAB A BURGER!"
OK, OK, SO SOME PEOPLE WILL SAY THAT THIS WAS ALL A COINCIDENCE, AND THAT IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY SPIRITUAL BEING OR ANYTHING. BUT NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY, I'M STILL VERY GRATEFUL. TO WHOM, I KNOW NOT, BUT TO ME, IT WAS A MIRACLE.
SOME SKEPTICS MIGHT BE RATHER, WELL, SKEPTICAL ABOUT IT, BUT NO MATTER WHAT YOU GUYS THINK, I STILL BELIEVE IT.
I WAS TELLING DAJIE ABOUT MY PROBLEMS AND MY DEEPEST THOUGHTS, THINGS THAT I HAVE NEVER REALLY TOLD ANYONE ELSE BEFORE. SHE LISTENED WITH GREAT SYMPATHY AND SPOKE REALLY WISELY TO CALM ME DOWN. BUT BEING ME, I CAN'T HELP BUT BE SUSPICIOUS AGAIN, AS USUAL... I DON'T KNOW HER WELL ENOUGH TO TELL IF SHE'S COMFORTING ME BECAUSE SHE REALLY CARES, OR BECAUSE SHE FEELS THAT IT IS HER OBLIGATION TO DO SO, SINCE I BROKE DOWN IN FRONT OF HER.
YES, THAT'S ME... THE MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY AND SPIRITUALLY WRECKED BEING THAT IS DESPISED BY PRACTICALLY EVERYONE SHE MEETS. I DESPISE THE WAY MY MIND THINKS, BUT I CANNOT CONTROL IT. I DESPISE THE WAY MY MIND DELIBERATES OVER ISSUES AND MAKES THEM SO COMPLICATED WHEN SOME THINGS CAN ACTUALLY BE SO NORMAL. I DESPISE THE WAY I SUSPECT EVERYONE AND THEIR INTENTIONS, SO MUCH SO THAT I FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE EVERYTHING THEY SAY, EVEN IF IT IS MY CLOSEST FRIEND.
I CAN'T HELP BUT THINK THAT THERE ARE ALWAYS A GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO ARE OUT TO GET ME, BE IT IN MY CLASS, MY CCA, MY HOUSE OR JUST MY GENERAL ACQUAINTANCE. IF WHAT IT TAKES TO BE ACCEPTED AMONGST MY PEERS IS TO PRETEND THAT I AM INTERESTED IN SOMETHING WHICH I ACTUALLY AM NOT, OR THAT I HAVE TO PRETEND TO BEHAVE IN A CERTAIN WAY THAT WILL AROUSE THEIR INTEREST, THEN I AM TERRIBLY SORRY, YOU CAN JUST EXCLUDE ME FROM YOUR GANG.
TRUTH IS, I'M NOT A TERRIBLY SOCIABLE KIND OF PERSON. I DEFINITELY TRY TO BE, BY TRYING TO COMMUNICATE MORE WITH ALL SORTS OF PEOPLE USING SMALL TALK. BUT REAL FRIENDS ARE REALLY REALLY HARD TO FIND.
PEOPLE THINK I'M CLOSE TO CARROT, BUT IF YOU LOOK CLOSER, HOW CLOSE ARE WE? HOW MUCH DO I ACTUALLY KNOW HER? HOW MUCH DOES SHE ACTUALLY KNOW ME? DO WE EVEN SPEND AS MUCH TIME TOGETHER AS WE DID BEFORE? WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THOSE TRIPS TO THE WASHROOM IN BETWEEN LESSONS?
AND MEL.... OH MEL... HOW MANY OF YOU ACTUALLY THINK WE'RE THE BESTEST OF BEST FRIENDS? EVEN THOUGH OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS STRENGTHENED (I HOPE) IN THESE PAST FEW MONTHS, I AM STILL NOT THE ONE SHE WILL FIRST TURN TO FOR HELP OR FOR A LISTENING EAR. SOMETIMES I FEEL AS IF I'M JUST A LAST RESORT, WHEN SHE CAN FIND NO ONE ELSE TO LISTEN TO HER MORE PERSONAL SORROWS, ONLY THEN WILL SHE TURN TO ME....
AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO KNOW YYQ, HE'S BEEN A GREAT FRIEND. A FRIEND IN NEED, IS A FRIEND INDEED AS THEY ALWAYS SAY, AND I AM REALLY THANKFUL FOR HIS HAVING COUNSELLED ME COUNTLESS TIMES WHENEVER I WAS FEELING DOWN. BUT IN ESSENCE, HE'S STILL A HE AND BECAUSE OF OUR DIFFERENT SCHOOLS NOW WE WERE NOT AS CLOSE AS WE WERE BEFORE, AND EVEN NOW I FIND MYSELF DOUBTING HIS WORDS. IS HE ONLY COUNSELLING ME BECAUSE HE HAS BEEN DOING SO SINCE P6, OR IS HE REALLY STILL MY FRIEND? I MEAN, ITS BEEN SO LONG, AND OLD FRIENDSHIPS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE STRENGTHENED WHILE NEW ONES ARE FORGED... BUT IN THIS CASE.. I AM VERY INCLINED TO BELIEVE THAT WHILE NEW FRIENDSHIPS ARE IN THE MAKING, THE OLD ONES WILL HAVE BEEN LOST AND BROKEN IN TIME.
ANYWAY... ALL I CAN HOPE FOR IS TO FIND SOMEONE, ANYONE, WHOM I CAN BELIEVE AND TRUST IN WHOLEHEARTEDLY WITHOUT A MOMENT'S DELIBERATION. I'M TIRED FROM SUSPECTING AND DELIBERATING PEOPLE ALL THE TIME, AND I'M TIRED OF ALWAYS BEING WARY OF WHAT PEOPLE SAY SO THAT I DON'T SUFFER THE SAME HURT I SUFFERED WHEN I WAS IN PRIMARY SCHOOL.
NOT EVERYONE WILL KNOW OR UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT, BUT ALL I HOPE IS THAT YOU WILL ALL UNDERSTAND IN TIME. AND IF YOU GUYS START THINKING THAT I'M SOME WEIRD PERSON WHOSE CHARACTER AND STATE OF MIND IS SO WARPED I CANNOT SOCIALISE PROPERLY, THEN BY ALL MEANS DO. I AM IN NO POSITION TO TELL YOU WHAT TO OR WHAT NOT TO THINK. ALL I CAN DO IS STAND HERE BEFORE YOU AND TELL YOU WHAT I THINK. YOU MAY DESPISE MY FRANKNESS AND MY LACK OF TACTFULNESS, BUT IF YOU DO NOT TAKE ME AS I AM, THEN I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO OFFER.
THE 1ST STEP TO OVERCOMING YOUR FEARS IS TO MASTER THE COURAGE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THEM
