Everyone thinks that primary school friends aren't important. But today I have been proved wrong. I found someone who was willing to listen to me. I don't know if he was truly listening, but if he had pretended to listen, he's a great actor. All teenagers have troubles, and that includes me as well. But as I searched high and low for a confidante, i found no one suitable. Is it because the people around me cannot be trusted? Or is it that i do not trust them for some reason? I am very afraid of trusting people, because one wrong move can cause your whole world to come down. I've tried it before, 4 years ago. To other people who have not experienced it, it might have just been a trivial matter. But to someone who takes things very seriously, it is one experience i will never ever forget. Maybe i take things too seriously, and i should relax. But some of the attitudes of the people that i see everyday are so relaxed that they give me the impression that they couldn't care less. I know that this is a stereotype and a generalisation, but i can't help but feel this way. Some people know what happened in the past, and some people ask me, "Was it that traumatic?". I don't know how much it had actually impacted me. But i know for sure that it had shaped the way i see things, and i will never so easily trust another person. Because when i was at my weakest, people didn't help me, instead, they made matters worse. Even my parents didn't understand what was wrong with me, they balmed me for putting unneccessary stress on them. I had to stand up again alone. To some maybe this wasn't a big deal. But to be totally shut out of everyone's social circle was a great deal to me. I know my present friends may be a little freaked out over my weird behaviours and "mood swings", and many other people think that since they are my "good" friends, they should know a great deal about me. The truth is, they are like strangers when it comes to my real feelings. Because i don't trust them. I am ashamed, that i haven't been truthful about everything, because that's what friends are supposed to do, tell each other their secrets. But i look at all of them and there is no one who will understand. I know that i am very sensitive, and a single insult can really hurt me a lot. In fact, i hate to be insulted. Whether intentional or not.
And this probably a lot of people won't know, i dislike the name Sam/Samantha. In fact, the name that i really wish to be called by is Eva, because i've been called that for the first 6 years of my life. But sadly i do not respond to that name anymore, because ive been called sam so much. One of the reasons i want to go back to HK, is because then i will be called "Yi Wah", the cantonese form of Eva.
merenwen
hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
aboutME.
amethyst1943
08 03
jc
dancer
shooter
myLOVES.
=)
dance
green
chinese
ducks!
the west side of my island
myWISHES.
golden leaf
strong constitution
pleasant disposition
do well for 'A's!
[still thinking]
goldenWORDS.
the greatest thing you'll ever learn
is just to love and be loved in return-
