Am talking to Renu now on MSN. She's a real great friend, and now i wish i haven't bugged her so much and teased her so much. She probably like, hates me now because the impression i left her before school ended was terrible. Please please please Neru don't hate me.
Sometimes i feel like i'm a fake. And if u ask me what i think my self identity is, i would say that i was an actor. Why? Because i feel like im just acting out my life, saying what im supposed to say, doing what i was supposed to do, looking on the outside very convincing, but on the inside, I don't even feel the same way.
I always tease others, like JT and Bel and RN, and after i say those things i feel really bad, because i know i shouldn't have said them, but it seems like the only way u can get a conversation going. Then i wonder, if all the comments made are so superficial, where are the real friends that give u real, sincere comments?
Just something to think about.
sammo
hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Hey everyone!
Its Thursday and tomorrow's the last day of school. I will really miss school. Because then i wouldn't know what to do at home. Just lazing around isn't the best way to spend the holidays. I'm sure most of us will already have our own activities planned out, and we have cca and all that. But.. imagine, i don't have cca at all during the holidays! haha! i dun't know why, but i don't really want cca either... sometimes it gets too boring. Anyway, today was physics performance task presentation day. We had to go up one by one to blow, pluck or do whatever it took to make our instruments produce music. Some people's were soft, and some people's were REALLY loud. Some had the conventional panpipes, and some had weird ones like Kazoo (sp?). I really liked the chimes one, because it was the only one that sounded like music. The others, including mine, made noise. Oh well... i don't think i did too badly, but i really hope that i won't screw it up, because performance tasks are what pulls me down. tests are what pull me up. I have no idea why, but stilll, maybe i prefer to study and then apply, not research and find out why.
We got our progress reports today. My my, what an outrageous colour it was. It was so.. bold. I would be able to recognise it anywhere, even if it were covered in 10inches of dust i would still be able to make out that faint green and white stripes. Not that its ugly, but its not exactly the prettiest thing either. but i suppose whats most important is not the cover, but the content. I pity the Bio-Lit people in my class because that really pulled most of them down. Geog and Hist were not bad for those that took it and we were quite ok with our results. You should have seen the irony. the whole class was in gloom and overwhelmed with sadness while in one corner the minority geog hist people were celerbrating their marks. Not exactly celebrating, but not complaining either. The only thing i got a GPA 4.0 for was Physics. Chem missed by 2 marks and the rest by a lot. But i know i shouldn't elaborate further because there are some who would killl me for saying how lousy my marks are. Anyway... gtg.... see ya!
sam
hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Saturday, May 21, 2005
Hello, people.
Today i woke and remembered that i had Flag Day duty, so i went all the way to Heartland mall at Kovan, Serangoon area to sell flags. I was supposed to start at 10, but i started at 9.45 and i was supposed to finish at 1.45, since i started early, but i finished at 12.45.. an hour earlier. My bag was already quite heavy and i had already sold 4 1/2 pages of flags. That's around 180 flags! Not that that's a lot, but still it was ok. I chose to stand between this bank and this Singapore Pools betting station. I got quite a lot of customers. I suppose that they thought if they did something good it would bring them good luck. It works well both for me and them, so i guess we're all happy.
After i turned in my bag, i went to Newton to attend a Bocce briefing. I arrived at the station at 2.20pm, and NOT surprisingly there weren't any people there. So i waited. When 2.45pm came, Siyun came running towards me with her hair all over the place. I couldn't recognise her until she came up to me and called my name. Anyway, we went to the toilet, and then when we came back we saw Lili! And by that time it was already 2.50pm, and no one else was there. So the three of us just waited till it was 3.05pm. We decided to wait for another train to come before leaving. And of course, no one came. So we just gave up and went up ourselves. When we went into the School, we realised that all the people that we had been waiting for were already seated there, waiting for US! They cheat our feelings. Break our grassy hearts. Anyway, i found out i was competitors steward and i was supposed to be the one "ushering" the athletes from one place to another. Then they had a lack of Linesmen so they asked me to be the lines official instead. I practised ushering for nothing! Sigh....
Physics PT is due next THURS! oh no! How How How.... I haven't even come up with a good instrument yet. Oh no.... I do wish it wasn't squashed into the last week of the school term..... Especially straight after the EOIs, when we are all still recovering from our post-exam blues.
Please, just let everything go all right!
sam
hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Friday, May 20, 2005
Hello everyone!
Everyone thinks that primary school friends aren't important. But today I have been proved wrong. I found someone who was willing to listen to me. I don't know if he was truly listening, but if he had pretended to listen, he's a great actor. All teenagers have troubles, and that includes me as well. But as I searched high and low for a confidante, i found no one suitable. Is it because the people around me cannot be trusted? Or is it that i do not trust them for some reason? I am very afraid of trusting people, because one wrong move can cause your whole world to come down. I've tried it before, 4 years ago. To other people who have not experienced it, it might have just been a trivial matter. But to someone who takes things very seriously, it is one experience i will never ever forget. Maybe i take things too seriously, and i should relax. But some of the attitudes of the people that i see everyday are so relaxed that they give me the impression that they couldn't care less. I know that this is a stereotype and a generalisation, but i can't help but feel this way. Some people know what happened in the past, and some people ask me, "Was it that traumatic?". I don't know how much it had actually impacted me. But i know for sure that it had shaped the way i see things, and i will never so easily trust another person. Because when i was at my weakest, people didn't help me, instead, they made matters worse. Even my parents didn't understand what was wrong with me, they balmed me for putting unneccessary stress on them. I had to stand up again alone. To some maybe this wasn't a big deal. But to be totally shut out of everyone's social circle was a great deal to me. I know my present friends may be a little freaked out over my weird behaviours and "mood swings", and many other people think that since they are my "good" friends, they should know a great deal about me. The truth is, they are like strangers when it comes to my real feelings. Because i don't trust them. I am ashamed, that i haven't been truthful about everything, because that's what friends are supposed to do, tell each other their secrets. But i look at all of them and there is no one who will understand. I know that i am very sensitive, and a single insult can really hurt me a lot. In fact, i hate to be insulted. Whether intentional or not.
And this probably a lot of people won't know, i dislike the name Sam/Samantha. In fact, the name that i really wish to be called by is Eva, because i've been called that for the first 6 years of my life. But sadly i do not respond to that name anymore, because ive been called sam so much. One of the reasons i want to go back to HK, is because then i will be called "Yi Wah", the cantonese form of Eva.
merenwen
hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Hello everyone!
I know that I haven't posted in ages, but what to do? I have like, EOIs and all the tests coming in together in the same week! 7 tests in a week! After week 7 i swear my head felt a little giddy after all that studying. Anyway, nothing happened much today, except that i got this free Biology lesson from my RS mentor, Mr Soh.
Looks like i can never ever run away from Biology no matter how hard I try.
It just so happened that my two RS group members were Bio students, one of whom is in my class. I was keen on movie mistakes but somehow ended up with a project of cell membranes and proteins. Not that i hate the topic, its just that i feel at a disadvantage because the to Biologists are happily nodding their heads when Mr Soh says something scientific that i don't understand. He tries to explain everything from the basics, but he can't help but make references to Biology class by saying, "I taught this in class today....". And there i am, lost.
There was a reason why i didn't take bio, and at times like these im both happy and sad. Im happy because im spared from all those weird terms like "Phospholipids" and stuff like that, but im sad because i don't get to engage in intellectual biology related conversations. I just stand there, wondering what the heck they are talking about. Biology is actually quite interesting, and that's when i start to regret not taking Bio. But when i see how the Bio teacher marks SO strictly for the test by failing like, many, im glad again. Yes, as you should have guessed, im in a mixed class, with 21 people taking Triple Science Lit, 8 Chem, Physics, Geog, Hist, and 4 taking Chem Physics, Lit, Geog. But no matter what, we're still a very bonded class. Its amazing, because everyone learns different stuff. But we get exposed to everything, and we have more to talk about, we can share our differences and both enjoy the similarites. I gues that;s the good part.
I can't run away from Lit either because Renu always gives me interesting excerpts from Lord of the Flies. *wink* the one where they killed the pig. *wink* So i suppose no matter what, i won't be able to run away from Bio or Lit.. *sigh* Shall read up on cell membranes now.... Bye!
sammo
hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
aboutME.
amethyst1943
08 03
jc
dancer
shooter
myLOVES.
=)
dance
green
chinese
ducks!
the west side of my island
myWISHES.
golden leaf
strong constitution
pleasant disposition
do well for 'A's!
[still thinking]
goldenWORDS.
the greatest thing you'll ever learn
is just to love and be loved in return-
